Tuesday, February 19, 2008

that weird in-between place

the thing about just knowing where you are is that although you may know, it might not be readily apparent to those around you. they may think you are somewhere else entirely. where we are is often not sign-posted. and it's often related to where the other person is at that moment. and that weird in-between place that's created by where i am in relation to where you are can be quite volatile. and at times unpredictable. i think that's what happened the other night. you were so totally not where i thought you were and i felt really bewildered by where you actually were....it was as if i was looking left and you turned out to be on the right. if that makes sense. so it was quite disorienting. you're right that i shouldn't have let it upset me. i got upset because i felt confused. i thought i was being helpful and i turned out i wasn't. i react to that by taking my voice down an octave which unfortunately seems condescending. when that doesn't seem to work and my confusion mounts, i end up shouting. i'm sorry i shouted at you.

i can't automatically know what you're feeling. i didn't pick up any signals that the directions i was giving you were frustrating you until way too far into the conversation. once i did pick up the signals, i totally didn't understand why my directions should be upsetting, so i kept down the same track. it's true that your reactions are unpredictable and probably even more so than usual at the moment, as you undergo the admirable ordeal of going off the meds. although the timing may be a bit strange to me when you have a lot of other stressors in your life, it's up to you and not for me to judge. i'm making a big effort not to judge, but that doesn't mean that i'm not concerned. and i'm really not scrutinizing your behavior, at least not consciously or constantly (i did think about what went wrong in the conversation the other night and that was arguably scrutiny, but it was more scrutiny of the situation than of you per se).

it's rather interesting that in danish anti-depressants are called "lykkepiller" which means "happy pills." linguistically, a totally different take on them than in english. but i don't think that long-term any meds can make you happy. i think it's a good thing that you're going off them, but that's just because i think that we should listen to our bodies--same as having a fever or a headache (i take way too much ibuprofen, i know, but can usually pinpoint the reason for the headache)--it's your body trying to tell you something isn't right. if the pills mask what your body is trying to tell you, it can't be good long term. so the best you can do for yourself is listen (which i think you're doing in going off the meds) and work with the message.

i want to support this process, but it's difficult for me when i feel bewildered and confused by your reactions to certain (to me seemingly innocuous) situations. i can't know what's happening in your head. maybe you have to say, "hey, i'm having one of Those Moments!" and i'll do my best to back off.

i think it was in pigs in heaven that barbara kingsolver wrote, "you can never know how inside of themselves people are." but if you try to let me know what's going on, i'll do my best to support you.

No comments: